First of all, I am sorry I haven’t written in a few weeks. I was ill just before Christmas with the flu and just felt horrendously run down and miserable. I was feeling super anxious about everything and I think the year had just caught up with me, anyone else feel like that?
2019. It’s been a year of ups and downs. There were some all mighty ups; skiing, going to New York to celebrate my 25th birthday with my handsome, summer holidaying in Sardinia and Spain with my family, Secret Cinema Stranger Things, big changes at work, a promotion and so on. But there’s been some downs too unfortunately, some illness in the family towards the end of this year has really been a slap in the face of the fact I’m an adult and life is bloody difficult sometimes. One thing that I kept reminding myself of during this time was the fact that everybody suffers sadness in their life but some people suffer it without anybody around them. So I am incredibly grateful that I have a big strong close and loving family as well as a boyfriend and best friend who I live with to keep me going and get me through.
My Christmas and New Year was full of love and happiness, I had a couple of ‘wobbles’, a couple of sad thoughts but I did my best to enjoy what was around me and in front of me. That included a great big scrumptious Christmas dinner cooked by my amazing family whom are all chefs (so you can imagine the tastiness that went down).
One night over Christmas I woke up at 2 am with a sort of dark panicky epiphany that I’m turning 26 next year and I feel I should have achieved way more at this age then I actually have. I was telling myself, in bed at 2 am, that at 26 I should have a house, a baby, a marriage and all those ‘grown up’ settling down things. With my mum being ill I felt like I had stupidly not made her a grandmother yet. I’ve been working in London for 7 years climbing my way up in the fashion industry and that somehow that was a complete waste of time. 7 years of renting and wasting money, 7 years of stupidly having fun and enjoying the big city, 7 years of NOT settling down, 7 years of not saving money for a house deposit. I had decided at 2 am that I want to return to my hometown, Norfolk, where my family live so I can be closer to them and buy a house and have a baby – as if it’s that simple. I had got myself worked up into such a state that I had to put on a movie in bed and I eventually fell asleep to The Tiger Movie. The TIGER MOVIE! 😂 I needed something very light to help me drift off distractedly and Winnie the Pooh brings me back to being a child tucked up in bed haha.
Obviously, the next day when it was actually light outside and a reasonable hour, I did not have quite the same dramatic thoughts and feelings as the night before. So there are no immediate plans to completely jump ship on my life path so far and move back to the countryside.
The reason I am telling you all of this, apologies if this post has been rather depressing so far and I’m not looking for sympathy, is that it’s okay if you’re going through a difficult time. Social media in the festive season shows everyone super merry and sparkly and beautiful, which is amazing to see but difficult if you’re not quite feeling it. The ‘perfect’ Christmas doesn’t exist so don’t worry if yours didn’t seem as great as everyone else’s. Don’t worry if 2019 wasn’t your year or even if the last decade wasn’t your decade. Don’t worry if you look back on the last few years and think you haven’t achieved as much as you wanted. What’s important is the things you do have in your life, the people around you, the roof over your head and the food in your fridge. What’s important is that you have the ability to think, feel, dream and be ambitious. Even if you haven’t achieved yet what you want to achieve, the fact you’re striving and thinking about them is a start to achieving them.
So 2020. A new decade and I am feeling excited. I am feeling a fresh start. I am looking forward to getting back in the gym (of which has fallen down over the past month), looking forward to enjoying life as much as possible. I don’t call them ‘New Years resolutions’ but I look forward to focusing on a few things this year…
1). I want to start saving money more. I said this last January but then credit cards had to be paid and I ended the year not quite as saved as I had wished. So this year is the year of seriously putting money away into a savings account and not touching it. This makes me feel better about not being on the property ladder yet as I am making a considerable conscious step forward in that direction and I am not focusing on how long that will take, what will be will be.
2). I want to spend more time with my family. What’s lovely is that I feel I have a real home life in London, I feel this is my city, I live with my boyfriend and even though at 2 am I didn’t feel it, I do feel quite settled here. I love this city and the people in it whom I call my friends. However, the knock on effect to that is that over the years I seem to unconsciously spend less and less time back home. I used to go home at least once a month when I first moved to London whereas last year I would go around 3 months without being home or seeing my family. So 2020 is the year I spend more time to go and see them and the benefit of that is I get to escape the big smoke for some countryside air which is always good for the soul, the lungs, the skin – the whole body really! 😂
3). I want to really focus on mindfulness, staying in the moment and not over thinking everything. I am a HUGE over thinker (aren’t we all hey girls?) and I let my mind run wild towards the end of 2019. I got stuck inside my own head without speaking to anyone including my boyfriend about the thoughts and feelings I was thinking. I bottled everything up and thought I could get through it all on my own by just continuing on like nothing has happened. When sh*t happens we’ve got to talk about it.
So here’s to a smashing new decade 🥂 whatever happens. Life will always be full of ups and downs but with loving people around us, us strong independent powerful amazing women can get through anything.
Lots of love to you all and a HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! Xxxxxxxxxxxxx